"Living at risk is jumping off the cliff
and building your wings on the way down."

- Ray Bradbury

Saturday, December 31, 2005
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

saw dis on alexis' blog. think it's q accurate actually. haha recently sum1 asked me y i was called ah boy. haha alexis is my ah pa n beat's my ah gong! yup.. jc life with 03A01 was q fun tho i'm not really dat close with my class cos of canoeing. but i rem having lots of fun with alexis n beat, esp our frequent trips to the canteen to buy pocky n baos, eating banana prata n deserts, the times we laugh over the farny things ms ting used to say, the time when we were discussing abt hamsters den i told them my uncle had hamster whose head got bitten off by another hamster n we laughed lyk mad abt it n among other farny things. i also miss my ai ren! havent seen her for a v long time. hope everything is going well for her in nus :)

uni life is much more slack, but sumhow i dun enjoy it as much without canoeing, without my teammates, without all the other little bits n pieces dat made my 2yrs in nj so memorable.. mayb all gd things dont last.

was told sth v sadly touching 2day dat was probably not told to any1 b4.

den i was told sth else dat sparked off some weird feelings.

i'm confused. i wish things cld b simpler.

mayb he's right. it just wasnt meant to b.

there's no 'us' anymore. i shd stop thinking.

but he's not me. he doesnt noe everything.

i cannot move 4ward when i'm not sure. i just wan to 'stay on the spot' for now.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

i cant believe it. u ask me out cos u said u wan to as ur officer if u can book out. (u'r allowed to do dat?) i asked u where u wanna go n wad u wan to do, den u say u dunno n ask if there's anywhere i wan to go? i tot dat's pretty stupid so i said nvm den cos anw i'm not feeling dat well n there's no place i wanna go, den u ask me to go drinking with u til late at clarke quay. u must b mad. i wldnt mind accompanying u for awhile since it's ur bday 2day n u'v lyk lots of excuses as to y there's no1 to celebrate it with u, but hello? i told u i'm not well n u still ask me to go drinking. sheesh.. it's right to say a leopard nv changes its spots. i wonder if u really stopped gambling as u said. it's kinda hard to imagine.

but i'm kinda glad i dun hafta meet u after all. it's too weird to relive wad happened 2yrs ago. somehow i dunno how i used to b able to stand the way u talk as if u'r so high above every1 when u'r probably sinking lower n lower than everybody else. luckily i'm meeting derwin for dinner tmr so cant meet u tmr nite. haha! at least i dun hafta lie n find excuses. happy 19th birthday again anywayz!

the other person nv msg me 2day.. n it makes me feel q weird, lyk i'm kinda waiting for his sms. i think he's waiting for me to msg him 1st, but i wun do dat lah. i dowan to give him anw wrong ideas when i'm not even sure how i feel. keep a distance.. dat's wad i'll do for the moment.

oh well, i hope derwin's treating me tmr.. :P he said he is, but i suspect he'll try to wriggle out of it just to get a kick out of irritating me. but it's okay. i lyk his irritating ways n also love to irritate him cos usually i win! it's nice to have a fren whom u can b cleverly stupid with.. if u get wad i mean :)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

just re-read my blog again n read some posts dat makes me feel v sad :( haiz.. i cant help it.

i wan to do sth, but i think i shdnt cos i'd probably end up falling flat on my face. 4get it den. i think i wun b able to take the disappointment. *sigh*

haha blog-hopped a little n read tth's blog. feel really happy for him dat he's still so tian mi mi with wc cos i rem v vividly dat he was so devastated when she broke up with him in sec2. altho we'v kinda lost contact, but the memories still linger. yrs ago he passed a teddy bear to april n asked her to pass it to me cos he tot i was angry abt sth (i cant rem wad). anw i still have the teddy! urm.. it's alittle out of shape, mayb cos of the yrs after being squashed among the heap of softtoys, but actually it alr din luk v proportionate when i received it lah. it's part of my happy softtoy family on my bed now. haha

sch's starting v soon n i'd hafta reluctantly leave my lovely bed for hostel once again. i brought back the 2 toys i brought over there to cuddle when i'm slping there, but i brought them back home cos i knew i wun b staying in hall during dis hols. anw i'll definitely bring my little piggy again cos it's my fave, n mayb the snowman i kopped from my bro. haha i can b so childish.. :P

life is weird. sumtimes the things u wan elude u, n wad u dun really wan just arrives right in front of u. suddenly i think my situation now is the same as ziqian's, only dat we'r in reverse positions. haha! i think i understand how jasmine feels now cos i kinda feel the same. perhaps there'r a few differences between us, but i think on the overall, we'r on the same boat. i dun really think wad she's doing to zq is rite cos it's making him v confused. i mean, how can u progress so fast if u'r still telling the guy u'r not sure? it really beats me. but since i'v only heard zq's side of the story, i'm not in the position to comment too much except to give zq advice when he asks for it, n b there for him when he nids a fren to talk to. after all, he was also there for me when i was damn stressed n things were not going well :)

seriously i dunno wad i wan. no, i shd say i noe wad i wan, but i noe i cant get it, so now i dunno wad i shd do. i mean, it feels really nice to have sum1 who smses u all day, asking if u'r feeling better (cos i'v been sick since last tues), telling u to drink more water, slp early, smile more, all dat.. i dunno if it's cos i just miss being loved, or it's cos i kinda lyk him. i really dunno. is it possible to lyk more than 1 person at the same time? i think dat's possible, but the main pt now is dat the scales r not yet tipping in the direction dat makes me wan to take the chance. altho sum1 once told me dat gan qing shi ke yi pei yang de, but i believe dat it's not true in all cases. i think given time, i can pei yang the gan qing for him, but the problem dat it's all v weird still remains n will remain.

altho i dun really noe if i believe dat God exists, when i pray, i believe dat i'm praying to sum1. when i was in church on christmas day, i prayed to God n said dat i thanked him when it all began so i will thank him now dat it has ended. i also asked him to give me a sign. haha i dunno if it's God's way of giving me a sign, but i'v been dreaming abt some really weird stuffs ever since. but anw the dreams dun really make much sense so the "signs" r not v helpful at all. hahaha hm.. I HATE YOU!!!!!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

i think dis yr's christmas kinda suck. on christmas eve, i had dinner with yq n we went to watch family stone, den i had to run into HIM when 1/2 the world is in town. i wish i din luk down while going down the escalator den arden n i wld'v probably not spotted each other. we crapped for awhile den went our separate ways but merely seeing him is enuf to make me feel damn sian the whole nite n i even dreamt of him while slping. sheesh.. but it wasnt a gd dream lah. just a stupid dream dat makes no sense n has has no meaning except dat we'd keep bumping into each other n feel v sian.

i wonder y arden just had to ask me if i rem last christmas eve. yes i remember. i rem the 3 of us plus pei met up at chijmes n the 2 of them took a cab for nth cos they lost their way. den we walked abt n went clarke quay n to a club dat was holding a gay party. i rem pei n arden cheekily made me dance with him n i rem feeling v paiseh. den we went esplanade area where we sat at a table n the 3 of them slept a little but i din slp n went to side by the singapore river. they joined me ther after awhile n i rem sitting back-to-back with him, watching the sun rise tho i think we were probably facing the wrong direction cos the sky brightened but there was no sign of the sun. but at dat time it din matter cos i alr felt v happy. but i dun really wan to rem dat now.

anw back to wad i was saying.. i called ry to come out cos yq din wan to countdown. not dat i wanted to, but i just din feel lyk going home. ended up staying over at ry's hse n went church on christmas morn with my mum n sis. they went town to shop after church but i went home to wash up b4 meeting another fren for movie cos he said he made me something for christmas n wld only give it to me if i watch a movie with him. it's not dat i desperately wanted the prez but i agreed anyway cos since he alr made it for me, it's q rude if we meet just so he cld pass it to me, n even more rude if i told him i din wan it or wad.

i enjoyed myself actually.. we talked n walked arnd the place while waiting for the time dat the movie starts. while we were walking arnd he noticed i wasnt wearing my toe ring dat my ai ren gave to me during our geog trip last yr. was q surprised dat he noticed such an insignificant thing, but recently i realised dat he's always noticed a number of little habits i have, or the things i do. he'd offer me his water bottle everytime i kept coughing n bought me strepsils n a lollipop when we went cold storage. we talked abt q alot of things n i felt q comfortable with him mostly cos we'v known each other for q long n we'r able to get along well. anw he gave me a cup dat he bought but said he'd give me the thing dat he made later.

the movie was not too bad but the theatre was damn cold. everytime i watch a movie, i wld rem how i used to lean on the other person n it'll give me a warm happy feeling. but of cos, i cldnt do dat yday lah. in the cinema, he gave me the other thing. it was supposed to glow in the dark but bcos he kept it too long in his pocket, it din glow anymore n he was v disappointed. haha i tot it was q cute when he was so sian diao dat it wasnt glowing. it has little paper cranes n paper stars inside, together with a small slip of paper saying "merry xmas" n some little christmas decorations drawn on it. it's a v simple gift but it's also v sweet. mayb it's a little cliche but somehow i find it q sweet when guys fold such things for girls. jeff once folded a whole bottle of colourful cranes for me. i was v touched. i'd rather get something dat sum1 made for me instead of buying it cos i really appreciate the time n effort taken to make those things.

after the movie we went for dinner n he ordered noodles for the both of us cos he said when u'r cold, eat a bowl of hot noodles will feel warm faster. but i'm no gd with chopsticks so he went to get a fork for me, which i tot was q sweet of him. after dat he sent me home tho i said it wasnt necessary. on the bus, we talked abt some stuffs lah, den he was q sad abt sth. but anw the lastime he sent me home, i waited with him at the busstop for his bus but yday he insisted on walking me to my void deck. i felt lyk sth was not v right so i hurriedly went into the lift n said bye. on the overall, it kinda felt lyk a date except there was no hand-holding or wadeva u do when u'r out with ur gf/bf.

after dat he msged me later to say he hope i lyk the prez n started saying dat he has alot of "complex feelings now" n suddenly asked me wad wld my reaction b if he says he's after me. frankly, i'm not v sure abt how i feel towards him. i told him i think it's q weird n dat i havent gotten over sum1. he said he noes all dat, but he still wanted to ask cos he doesnt wan to regret in case wad he thinks he noes is inaccurate. i asked "y me?" n he said he feels comfortable with me n i'm the 1st to come to mind when sth happens n he wans to tell sum1. he also told me to smile more cos he lyks my smile n says i luk vv sweet when i smile. haha i wonder if all guys lyk to tell dat to girls cos it's not e 1st time sum1 says dat to me, n obviously u wun tell sum1 to "frown more cos u luk v sweet" wad. haha find it q farny :P

i think if we go out v often n talk v often, i may start to lyk him. but right now i'm just not ready for anything to happen yet. he says he understand n dat he hope i'm open abt it n i am lah so i'm glad we'r still talking lyk normal cos i think he noes me q well n is a fren worth keeping, whether or not we can or will progress further in time to come. i think he's not v confident abt making things happen cos of certain reasons, n on my side, i just think it's not right to accept any1 new b4 i fully let go of wad's alr gone cos it wun b fair to him. wad's urs will b urs lah. wad's not urs will nv b urs no matter how long u wait for it..

for q some time, i'v not deleted anything from my hp's inbox cos i cldnt make myself delete everything. but yday n 2day, after receiving smses from him i deleted some of the old n meaningless msgs dat i'v kept to make space for the new ones. i think dat's wad i hafta do with my life lah.. altho wad i wan doesnt wan me anymore, there'r others who do. so i shd stop being the pathetic fool n clear away the old n expired things dat i'm not able to save n renew to make space for new things. perhaps when sch starts n DAT person goes off to some place where i wun get to c him for q a long time, it'll help me to get pass the past faster.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

my shoulders n back r killing me! haha went down for training yday evening with michelle n vivienne. wah.. i really row lyk a tortoise! :( haha but it was fun to b able to canoe after sososo long tho i'd have loved to row k1 instead of t1 cos i realised yday dat i'v not rowed a in a t1 since more than 2yrs ago? haha was teaching a super jnr to balance n row the k1 but she's just too super tensed n afraid to capsize. it's lyk so weird. there's no waves in macritchie! wad's there to b afraid of? most of the time i dun even noe y she's tapping. n she was just v disturbed by the blister on her foot -_-" if mr yong was there, she wld sure get it from him man. haha

anw alan's now temporarily in charge when mr yong's not arnd. was v shocked when yong told me, but after yday, i think i'v come to terms with it. haha he's okay lah. tho i still have the impression dat he's lyk the little monkey who always tries to tickle me when i was still in nj. but oh well, pple change, n so have i! i really feel much happier these days, it's lyk everything dat's unhappy has come to an end, i'v done pretty well for my exams cos i was damn scared i'll fail something, i got to suntan, hang out with close frens, spend more time with my family.. life cant get any better i suppose :P

christmas is coming! i was just thinking abt it when i woke up, den i realised dat i'v nv spent christmas or new yr with a special somebody b4, which is quite weird cos i really cant rem y i din spend it with wm in 2003 since we were still happily tog at dat time. haha but it's okay, i will find sum1 nextime! haha :D

speaking of dat, i'm starting to get q worried abt the weird things a gd fren has been msging me. somehow i really dunno if he's just purely joking, or dat there's some under-lying hints beneath the joking tone cos he's been lyk saying the same things for q a few times alr. i hope there's no truth behind the joke tho. cos i really dun lyk him dat way. he said b4 dat he doesnt believe in platonic relationships between a guy n girl, but i strongly believe there is! but i dunno lah. i think i better distant myself for awhile b4 things really start to get too complicated.

Monday, December 19, 2005

yay! i'm even happier now! *dances arnd* pakho n ziqian r in my tutorial grps! ailin, simin n edlyn r in some of my classes too! was considering whether or not to change my timetable to a 3-day wk. but now i c so many frens in my classes, i dowan to change liao. haha! n yq n i r planning to take the same PE! hopefully we'll get it lah :D

yay!!! i nv da bao! haha i'm happy but also not dat happy. i got 3B+ n 3B lor. i wan A!! arghs sian.. i'm overjoyed over the B+ for acc cos i really tot i'd die for it, but at the same time, i'm q disappointed over the B+ for mkting. i lyk mkting leh! y nv give me A? A- also nice lor.. :( but nvm. i shall not complain. i'v alr done better than i'v expected on the overall :)

anw bernard's sick! he got 5As?! i noe every1 says grp B's subjects r easier, but 5As?! i dun care. next sem i also wan 5As! hrmph.. freak. i will b hardworking, do all my tutorials, attend all lectures n tuts, everything! arghs i still can believe he got 5As. must b his old nj mugger spirit shining thru.. haha dat means i have hope. 5As! i'm aiming for u. :P

yday was a vvv nice day. went sentosa for some west-end meet or wadeva it's called. it's some ntu-nus thing, but it's more lyk a nbs-nus thing lah. but who cares. played vball n frisbee n suntanned too! now i'm all red n hot all over. haha :P met ji lun n fabian on the way home from sentosa. was q happy to c some frens dat i'v not seen for almost a yr :) when i got home i still felt too energetic so i went for a run n found out dat i'm super unfit now after not doing much exercise for a long time. ran lyk 2k den i got stitch alr lor.. so i decided not to torture myself. but i walked up the stairs to my hse when i got back. 21storeys! almost killed me. i'm glad i'm not fat so i can still afford to not exercise so much. haha after the long fun-filled day, now my shoulders, back, butt n legs r aching alittle. it feels gd tho :D

just had a short chat with mich, michelle loh (happy birthday!) n joanne. i was q happy to c mich loh online cos i still rem it's her bday 2day tho we'r not as close as we were in sec 1 &2, n we kinda lost contact after sec sch. she's studying in london! so nice. i also wan to study overseas, but i'm not rich enuf n not smart enuf to get a scholarship so i'm stuck in sg. haha :( i'm q happy abt being able to chat with mich lyk normal now too cos there'v always been some tension in between us be it kw or moses, but now dat everything's gd n every1's happy, i'm just glad i can finally get some gd feelings out of our frenship :P

i think the coming wk will b a v happy n eventful wk tho it also means dat the hols will b over v soon. 24th dec's christmas eve, 25th's christmas day, 26th's my mum's bday, 27th's the day my dad n bro r coming home from switzerland, n 28th n 29th i'd probably b staying over at yy's hse with fia, jo, py n yh! oh btw, 29th's wm's bday. haha i still rem :) i cant think of anything on 30th yet, but 31st's new year eve, 1st jan's new year day, 2nd's a public holiday, 3rd's the start of sch n i'll b 1 step closer to getting my beautiful 5As! hahaha i'm in such a gd mood i actually feel alittle spastic. bleahs :D

oh. n yay! my bday's coming on the 11th! *hints!* :P

Friday, December 16, 2005

2nites ago i met up with some of my teammates dat i'm closer to. py, yy, yh, fia, jo.. havent met up with them lyk dis since the time we celebrated yh's n jo's bdays at cine's billy bombers. we went carls jnr dis time n the burger to so huge i only ate 3/4 of it n was damn stuffed. py finished the rest of it for me cos she say "dun waste food". haha i shd step down from my position as Pig1 alr. Pig2 has overthrown me! hahaz i think i used to eat alot dat's y i was crowned Pig1 but now nv train, so i dun really eat alot anymore. py's rowing for NUS n she's super tanned! i think she's darker now than when in nj. haha suddenly rem lastime wm used to call her xiao hei n she'd call him xiao bai cos after he left the team he got q fair (lyk me now! :( sux. i must go tanning b4 sch reopens)

speaking of sch, it's starting in abt 2wks! time passes so quickly. i got my timetable alr n i'm free on thurs! n weds i only haf lessons from 8.30-10.30, so effectively i can say dat i have a 3-day sch wk! yay! but then again.. results r not out yet. if i happen to fail anything (choy!) *touchwood* , it's the end.. :( plsplspls dun let me da bao. PLS!

anw my teammates n i were talking n we started discussing abt mr yong leaving nj. i think dat's going to spell the downfall of nj canoeing lor. i cant think of any1 who will discipline n push the team as much as he did, or put in as much effort to train us up. the jnrs r angry with him for scolding n scolding n scolding them, n i heard dat he's really v different dis yr as compared to the previous yrs. but shdnt they b used to it after 2 yrs? apparently no1's replying mr yong's smses anymore n he told me it hurts him dat he wans to talk to them but "all they show is defiance" n no1 is bothering to respond to him. i understand dat mr yong's got a v weird temperament, but i think his dedication to the team n the sacrifices he's made if more than enuf to cancel out his weirdness. i used to get scolded alot by him n i rem he told me "dun show me dat face" b4 cos he was scolding the team over some stupid thing n i just cldnt help showing my displeasure on my face. bleahs. but i miss my team n all the gd n bad times we'v trained so hard together n i think it's worth getting scolded once in awhile even if i think i'm not in the wrong!

he said he's leaving for temasek sec cos their teacher left n he wans to help them. n also cos he doesnt wan to stay n "hurt any1 nor get hurt anymore". i told him i think i wldnt have accomplished wad i achieved in canoeing if not for him, n dat i think without him, we wldnt feel as proud to b nj canoeists. i also said i hope dat he'll b happy with the decision he's made. his reply was q sad, saying "how can one b happy when he's leaving behind so many ppl n so many things?" i think he doesnt really wan to leave, but he's leaving cos "the jnrs r not showing any remorse" n i doubt any of them r trying to make him stay. i think they'r all v foolish. even daniel wuu thinks dat they'll regret letting mr yong go. i dowan to c nj canoeing going down, but since the jnrs r so adamant, i'm just going to sit back n watch them stuggle to defend the 3 titles without mr yong. i kinda think he's lyk the Heart & Soul of nj canoeing. haiz.. wld the team still b able to Go The Distance without him? i seriously doubt so..

~*

the other day, i saw a pic dat somehow made me feel q fan2 gan2, n ever since have not felt sad or wadeva. it's so weird, but i'm glad at least i'm feeling better. it's q miserable otherwise. anw i dreamt of sth farny last nite! at 1st i dreamt of sth v chaotic but i rem getting into a catfight with a bitch dat i dunno in real life. but anw she sux lah, so i was damn happy to kick her ass! bleahs :P den later i dreamt dat vincent ng's my bf! it's so farny cos in reality i dun even lyk him dat much tho i think he has a v nice body :D but in the dream he gave me a v strong sense of security n made me feel v safe, so i was damn happy! but aiyah.. it's just a sweet little dream. so sad :(

i'm going to cut my hair short later i think. i'm scared i'd regret so i wun cut it v short yet. mayb abt shoulder-length so if i think it sux, it wun take dat long to grow it long again. if i lyk it den nextime'll cut it shorter! :P yup n i wanna highlight my hair too. dun have a colour in mind yet, but if u noe me well enuf, u shd noe it'd b q an obvious colour :D

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

just watched The Mask of Zorro after coming back from bowling. i havent really lost my touch.. had pinfall of more than 100 in my games. haha! my PB's 144 if i rem correctly. mayb my sis n i will go bowling more often. it's fun! but my fingers hurt :( but anw, the show's really nice! yes i noe i'm many yrs late, but better late than never. antonio banderas is so charming! (just lyk hugh grant, mark ruffalo, tony leung n chow yun fat!) catherine zeta jones is stunning too! she's really beautiful. i wan to watch The Legend of Zorro ! but the shop i rented the vcd from doesnt have it i think.. sian! the theme song of the movie is v nice too! old song, but i havent heard it for a longlong time..~

Moon so bright, night so fine
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming

Race the moon, catch the wind
Ride the night to the end
Seize the day, stand up for the light

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do

Heroes rise, heroes fall
Rise again, win it all
In your heart, can't you feel the glory?

Through our joy, through our pain
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with me

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you

Though we know we will never come again
Where there is love, life begins
Over and over again

Save the night, save the day
Save the love, come what may
Love is worth everything we pay

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my life time loving you

-Marc Anthony & Tina Arena
I Want To Spend My Lifetime Loving You

*stifles a yawn* i think i'm going to die when sch reopens. haha i'm lyk slping so much everyday (at least 12hrs), going to slp n waking up as n when i feel lyk it. slept at 2+am n had to wake up at 10am cos i'm going bowling with my sis! havent bowled in ages :P seems lyk i'm blogging daily now. haha i'm going out later so dis is probably my only "bloggable" chance otherwise i wun haf time to blog 2day.

admittedly, i'v been having trouble falling aslp cos my brain keeps escaping from the tight hold of my "leash" everytime i lay in bed. but when i do get to lala land.. it's a whole new world! *beams* of cos, there'r always a handful of not so wonderful dreams of ppl n things dat i dun wan to dream of, but other than dat, my dreams r usually q hilarious/chaotic/senseless. i'm a big-time dreamer n loving it :D

last nite i dreamt of sum1 i dun wan to dream of, plus another fren who made me extremely exasperated in the dream. but i dun wan to rem dat. *mentally disposes it into the bin*

after dat i dreamt of 1 of my primary1 classmate n a boy who's my fren's bro. hahaz it's damn farny. my ex-classmate's called roger (i nv lyk dat name) n i rem v vividly dat he's on the round side n (haha) has dis long strand of white hair growing from his cheek which he refused to cut. anw i was monitress then, n he sux! always make life v difficult for me cos he's a v loud n noisy person. so i always had to write his name on the board amongst the brats who cant behave when the teacher's not arnd.

haha thinking of my p1 fren reminds me of my p1 form teacher! mrs mary koh.. a really sweet old lady with feet so small a size dat i rem she sumtimes wore kids' sports shoes with barbie doll pictures at the side. come to think of it, i nv lyked playing with barbie cos u cant do much with her except change her clothes. but if u dun haf enuf barbie clothes, there's nth to change. i think mayb dat's y i dun lyk playing with dolls. dun think i ever owned a barbie but i dun think i ever pestered my parents for 1. anw who cares abt barbie now when i'm hitting 20?

but anw, my fren's younger bro's called kiat boon. i think they were on the sch bus 1st. when i boarded, i went to sit beside roger bcos apparently, in the dream i lyked him (such a horrifying tot but nvm, it's just a dream) n he lyks me too! when i boarded the bus, he shared part of his bread with me so we were lyk happily eating. den kiat boon came n started irritating me by pulling my hair n touching my face. i complained to roger but dat idiot nv do much so i got even more pissed at everything n shouted at kiat boon to stop it. when i walked off to change seats, i rem scolding him "f*cker". hahaha well, when i'm really angry i lyk to scold pple dat. bleahs :X

hm.. den my dream changed to sth ridiculous. haha i dream i attended some talk abt sth but i cant rem alr. it's not a talk abt anything scary but sumhow the last part of the talk was sth abt ghosts n how u can prevent them from haunting u. the speaker mentioned sth abt some windchimes n i have 1, but it's a different type from those in the pics shown during the talk so i was q worried as to whether or not my windchime wld b effective. haha den after dat i was supposed to go for HIV test which i have no reason to take the test. anw the woman operating the weird machine told me dat i'm in v gd shape but b4 i left, she commented dat i shd cut my hair cos it's q long. i was lyk "huh?" haha but it's just a dumb dream lah.

oops no time to continue. i'm going to b late. shit! haha my sis said if i'm late i gotta pay for her. dream on! afterall, who nids me to bring down a pair of socks for her? :P

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

months ago, yq n i had a discussion over whether or not there cld b a possibility dat every1 was given a chance to choose a quality or a characteristic b4 we were born. but with the one u choose, comes along a downside too. eg if u'd chosen to b v pretty, u'd b a ravishing beauty when u'r alive, but mayb u'd b just a bimbo with air for brains.

anw if dat's possible, she said she thinks she chose to b lucky cos she always seems to get past obtacles of sorts. she asked me wad i think i chose. i cldnt answer cos i honestly do not noe. but i think the downside of it is dat i dunno how to b happy.

but we both agreed dat if there's ever a next life where we cld choose again, we'd choose to b happy. even if the downside of dat wld b dat i'll b mentally disabled, i think i'll still stick to dat choice. sumtimes i think i envy those who r not v mentally sound or who r not developed mentally. wldnt it b nice to not worry over anything in life, not b saddened by any sort of unhappiness dat exist in dis world? no matter wad happens arnd u, u'd just b safe in ur own little bubble of happiness n b contented with wadeva comes ur way. u may not b able to accomplish much in life, pple may luk at u with pity in their eyes, but u'd b oblivious to all dat!

*sigh..* i think dat's the kind of life i wan. y do we always hanker for things we do not have? y do we long for things dat r out of our reach? y do we hope for things despite knowing dat they'r impossible?

i just wan to learn to b happy, to have sum1 to love, n for dat person to love me in return. i'v yet to attain the level of happiness i hope for, but for a large period of time in 2005, i think i'v experienced something dat's possibly the closest i'v ever been to dat (idealistic?) level. there's still sum1 i love deeply, but i'v lost the love i had i had once indulged in.

but no worries~ after watching dis talk show on tv some nights ago abt whether or not it's better to love, or b loved in return, i think i learnt some things from it. the best situation wld b for both cases to exist, but if dat's impossible, the general consensus was dat it's better to love sum1 one-sidedly, than to b loved by sum1 u do not love cos dat way, u'll b plagued by the feeling dat u'v kinda let dat person down. altho dat mentality was wad i initially held on very tightly to in the recent past, it's still wad i advocate, but perhaps i no longer stand by it as firmly as i used to. sumtimes it's q nice to b selfish n enjoy being loved even if u dun love dat person in return.

anw one of the speaker really impressed me with her insight to love. she said she'd always made it a point to confess her feeling to ppl she'd lyked in the past bcos "i do not wan to b in the position where i wld one day regret not telling them." even if they rejected her for wadeva reasons, she nv took it personally cos her philosophy is dat "i'm rejected not cos i'm not gd. it's just dat the person thinks i'm not right for him." i think she's right, but i doubt most pple r able to deal with rejection the way she is able to. i will try to adopt her philosophy!

another thing i took away from watching the show was dat if u love sum1 who doesnt love u, love dat person in a way such dat dat person is not pressurized. let the person noe dat he/she is not obliged to reciprocate the love, n not harass the person day n night, stalk him/she, or do such things dat wld just put the person off even further. even if u cant b in the ideal situation where u'r both in love, love the person in a way u'd b proud of!

yup.. coming into the relationship, i think i alr knew clearly wad i was luking for. dat's y the loss has made a v deep impact on me, but not necessarily so on him. but it's okay, i think he learnt to noe wad is it dat he really wans now. don't we all live to learn, n learn to live? bleahs :P even if we lose all forms of contact, even if the day comes where there'd b sum1 new for the both of us, "wo hai shi hui shou hu zhe ni". (italic part adapted from Full House!)

sumtimes i wonder if it's a curse to b the smartest in the family. every1 luks upon me with all their expectations dat oh i'm the 1st one in my extended family to get into the university, oh i have no problems with my studies, or oh i'm the only wan who noes how to do extraordinary things lyk burning a cd.

hello? i wasnt born with a program in my brain dat tells me how to use the computer, how to d/l things, how to burn cds, u noe? i also din noe how to do all dat at the beginning wad. but wad did i do? i din act pathetic n helpless. i tried n explored myself. is it VERY difficult? sheesh.. it really gets on my nerves sumtimes. n my sis.. i dunno wad to say abt her. sumtimes i just cant help but wonder y she doesnt noe how to do simple things, n yet doesnt bother to try to learn them herself.

yes, my sis is not as clever but she's v hardworking. dat's wad lyk every1 lyks to say. i dun deny dat. so wad if i'm smarter but lazy? i think it's not much use to work hard. it's more practical to work smart. it's not as if i dun study for my exams or wadeva. i just wan to b able to study at a pace i'm comfortable with. i noe my limits n my capabilities. i dun care if u think i can do much better if i'm as hardworking as my sis. i think dat's crap. i'd just b a nerd buried in heaps of books. and anw, in case u havent noticed, i dun go out as often as she does, i dun spend as much money as she does, i seldom show u a black face either.

i wldnt say i'm a v helpful person. it's not dat i dun wan to help, but it's lyk the wadeva story abt giving a hungry person a fish everytime he's hungry, VS giving him a fishing rod n teaching him to fish. i dun mind lending a helping hand, but if u noe u'r going to nid my help on the same thing q often, den wld u pls learn to do it urself? i can show u how n teach u to do it u noe?

i havent been in the best of moods dis days n no1 seems to notice. i dun nid u going arnd telling every1 wad's going on in my life either. do they nid to noe? wld they die if they din noe? just shut up already.

sudden downpour..
so heavy i cant even c the park opposite!
just love the cooling rain :D

woke up at 1.30 2day, saw the "free 2nite nt" sms from derwin n laughed. haha receiving an sms from ur dear fren is a nice way to start off the day. we always love to irritate each other so it's really fun to talk to him. too bad i'll b having dinner with my mum n sis 2nite n tmr nite so i wun b able to entertain mr chua. will probably meet up during 1 of the wkends soon so it's okay :D

seems lyk some of the ns pple r q free to come online dis days. shifu, derwin, wahming, yin chong, jun yue, weiming, waikeong.. suddenly kinda miss zihao n xiang hong. havent met them in awhile, esp xh. think the lastime i saw him was ages ago at fareast basement while shopping arnd. loved his hair. haha wld'v lyked seeing him bald, but too bad, he told me his hair grew back alr :(

some silly person just pressed my doorbell. haha it doesnt work anymore so there's no sound, but apparently he/she din think there's anything wrong with it despite not hearing anything n just happily kept on pressing n pressing. i din bother to open the door. probably some kid selling icecream, or some housing agent, or some sort of salesperson lah. sorry! not interested.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Sole Survivor: Danni!

not a surprising result i guess.. but i seriously tot steph played a better, meaner, game. survivor's abt how u outwit, outplay n outlast the other competitors! but aiyah.. i think the jury wld agree dat steph is a better competitor, but they'r just bitter abt the fact dat they lost to her when they got voted off. i guess u hafta build gd relationships along the way while u dominate the game, just lyk danni did. i think every1 underestimated danni tho. haha so did i actually. lolz :)

y doesnt singapore come up with such great reality game shows? i think we'r too caught up in the slimming craze. not every1 in singapore nids to slim down u noe. it's so boring to watch ppl huffing n puffing up the stairs, watch them stare at the piles of fried food in front of them dat they arent allowed to eat.. i dunno. it's lyk such a brainless show to watch. bleahs.

cldnt get to slp, no nice dreams, woke up feeling sad.

self-deception.

who am i kidding?

i still cant get over it.

i nid to try harder.

yes. yes, i do.

or am i trying too hard?

mayb..

-sigh-

Saturday, December 10, 2005

had some weird dreams last nite. 1st i dreamt of sum1 i din wan to dream of, den i woke up n suddenly rem i 4got to close the window when my mum told me to. luckily i woke up. haha den i went back to slp n dreamt dat i somehow have a car but my dad said i cant drive it yet cos i havent got my license! the car isnt really my type, but it's v spacious n it's painted a nice shade of dark green. my fav colour :)

anw i woke up n fell aslp again, n dreamt of sth farny.. i dreamt i suddenly joined SRJC's canoeing team during the hols out of the blue n every1 tot i was mad. they finally asked me y i suddenly change sch from NJC to SRJC n i was v shocked n tot to myself "OMG, i'm dead. i dropped out of NJ at the end of Yr1 to go SRJC?!" den i sat down n wondered y my mum din stop me from doing dat. den i rem i alr finished taking my A's n alr got my results. hahahaha :P

okay i'm off to watch Saw2~ yea!

watching Miss World 2005 Finals on tv now. the Miss Singapore luks not bad in the photo but actually not dat pretty leh.. so sian. haha but i think Miss Korea's quite sweet, deservingly in Top 6 at the moment. but i doubt she'll win.. we'll see :)

just visited the Miss World 2005 official website n some of the girls r really woah! *whistles* :D but i think some luk q weird leh. as in, i'm sure their countries wld'v some other more beautiful girls cos some of them really luk quite old. bleahs

how come there isnt a Mr World, Mr Universe? :P

Friday, December 09, 2005

i think some pple r utterly nuts. i have a crazily irritating junior who talks senselessly n puzzles me with his dumbfounding antics. really drives me up the wall n makes me wanna wrap my fingers arnd his neck n strangle him. idiot.

4get abt all the madness! really looking 4ward to being grossed out by Saw2 on sunday, going pei's hse next wk, meeting up with some of my closest teammates on thurs, driving, shopping, watching rented movies, ktv-ing, swimming,..

enjoy the hols while it lasts babes! *smiles*

i declare myself the Queen of Freecell! hahaha even i myself am quite amazed by my 63 straight wins. *cheers!* my total percentage of wins is 92% currently, but i'm sure i can raise it even higher. no, i'm not bored silly to the point dat i hafta resort to playing freecell to pass time. haha i just lyk the game so much til i can almost say i'm obsessed. actually spider solitaire is not bad too, but i think freecell uses more of ur brains. haha :)

my mum's really cute. she came home happily 2day n told me dat she's v happy cos of the new work roster's out n she doesnt hafta work with the pple she dun lyk, at least for the next month or so. hearing my mum complain abt work makes me think dat it's really not easy getting along with ur colleagues when u'r out working. my mum's an incredibly efficient worker n i can only wish i'm half as hardworking too. hahaz i'm lazy i'm lazy i'm such a pig.. :(

anw, it's horrible saturday again. i dunno if i wish dat time passes more quickly, or more slowly. haha it's weird really. arnd me, lots of pple r breaking up or have broken up recently. even the tv shows r depicting the sad fates of characters who r falling out of love. it's really starting to irk me! arghs! "bah humbug" haha it suddenly came to mind the phrase dat Scrooge lyks to say. dat's the only thing i rem abt the story. i dun even noe wad the story's called already. haha bleahs

i think i'm fine. but am i really? i dunno. i just try not to think so much n block it out of my mind as much as possible. but it's hard. really.

but then when i think of how useless it is to think anymore, how i'm probably the only 1 who tot of giving another shot, how impossible it is for me to do anything alone, how things have seemingly come to the point dat nth i say or do will make a differece, how quickly time is running out,.. it just makes me discourage n urge myself to stop being silly. but yet, i cant make myself 4get. i wish i have amnesia or selective memory! i dun regret, but i guess it hurts to remember. mayb it hurts the most to feel lyk i'm hurting alone. but at least dat's better than 2 pple hurting. i'm not sadistic :)

just received some photos of my dad n bro from switzerland. but there's some problem with it. i can only c tiny thumbnails of the photos. :( my aunt says she'll upload the pics again n send to me. hopefully it'll work. i noe my mum wans to c how they'r doing over there. heard there's no snow since they'v arrived there. so sad. i wan to b there! arghs.. nvm. my aunt says next yr i can go over with my frens n we can stay at her hse. yay~!!

hm.. i reading my frens' blogs, seems lyk every1 is bored dis hols. haha i think i'm okay with being bored at home cos there's always the tv, the internet, n my hp to sms pple. if there's REALLY nth else to do, den it's really nice to just hop into bed n slp the day away too. haha i guess there wun b much time to do dat once sch starts again. exam results shd b out next wk. oh no! bleahs.. :P

registered for driving some time ago, but the tot of not having a car to drive even if i'm a qualified driver doesnt really motivate me to go for lessons. wanted to learn class 2B concurrently since it saves time, dun hafta go for the silly theory lessons again nextime, but my mum doesnt allow so nvm lor. nextime i'll learn secretly. haha

2/5 of my immediate family's in switzerland, n yday my grandparents went off to shanghai. i regret saying i dun wan to go!!! arghs.. oh well, there's always a nextime :(

christmas is quickly arriving! i think christmas is my favourite festive season of the yr cos it's not as irritating as chinese new year. the christmas songs sound nicer, there'r beautiful lightings put up along orchard road (unlike the red, ugly n in-the-face decorations of CNY. n i especially cant stand the programs on tv on CNY eve where all the mediacorp artistes r donned in red, singing the unbearable CNY songs.) altho in the past yrs it's almost lyk a tradition for my family to gather together at my late grandmother's hse where my relatives wld arrive with presents n pile them under the decorated christmas tree til it's time to distribute them, n having a nice dinner. but ever since my grandma passed away, it seems lyk no1 really bothers to carry on with the tradition anymore.

tho i always hafta accompany my family to my grandma's hse to so-called show my face for a little while, in the recent yrs, i'v always spent christmas eve n new year's eve with my close frens :) hopefully dis yr will not b different! it's really nice to just usher in christmas n the new year with ur dearest family n frens isnt it? :D

argh stupid thing. i dunno y i cant c the chinese words once i post them but anw, here's the han yu pin ying. haha

cong lai bu xiang xin wo de shi jie ke yi you duo wan mei
tong ku ji mo hai you yi xie pi bei
bu yun xu ta ren sui yi
jing ru wo de ling du kong jian
ning yuan gu du lan de zai qu xiang shei

liang ge ren yi qi shi fou zhi shi de dao yi zhong an wei
zheng tuo guo qu ran hou wang ji yi qie
mei xiang guo you tian wo de jie ju hu ran quan bu gai bian
shei hui zhua zhu wo de wu li shuang bi

zen me hui ku
(shei cuo shei dui wei shei bao qian)
bu hui zai ku
(shei cuo shei dui wei shei qiao cui)

zou ru ling du kong jian deng dao yi qie fen lie
jiu suan ai de wei xian wo men yi qi mian dui
lai bu ji de fang bei mei ting guo de shi yan
yao wo zen me xue hui duo le ai de ming tian

zou chu ling du kong jian zhong yu yi qie fen lie
jiu suan ai de hen lei wo que bu hui hou hui
fang xia suo you fang bei yi qie dou wu suo wei
tao chu hei an shi jie kai shi xing de ming tian
liang ge ren yi qi shi fou zhi shi de dao yi zhong an wei
zheng tuo guo qu ran hou wang ji yi qie
mei xiang guo you tian wo de jie ju hu ran quan bu gai bian
shei hui zhua zhu wo de wu li shuang bi

zen me hui ku
(shei cuo shei dui wei shei bao qian)
bu hui zai ku
(shei cuo shei dui wei shei qiao cui)

zou ru ling du kong jian deng dao yi qie fen lie
jiu suan ai de wei xian wo men yi qi mian dui
lai bu ji de fang bei mei ting guo de shi yan
yao wo zen me xue hui duo le ai de ming tian

zou chu ling du kong jian zhong yu yi qie fen lie
jiu suan ai de hen lei wo que bu hui hou hui
fang xia suo you fang bei yi qie dou wu suo wei
tao chu hei an shi jie kai shi xing de ming tian
xing de shi jie

-ke you lun
ling

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Tuesday, December 06, 2005

rem yq once told me some yrs back dat she lyked the song. i lyk it too, mayb cos i din expect kate winslet to b able to sing. haha but anw, i'v altho i'v been contemplating the possibility of asking for another chance, i think i have no courage to do it. if i leave it lyk it is right now, i noe for sure that besides an ocassional head-turning n asking "what if", i'd b alright. BUT if i ask n the answer is "no", i'm afraid it'll b much harder to pick myself up.

mr yong once gave us a list of quotes (i 4got why) n my fav one is:
"Let me win. But if i cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt."
i'm sorry to say i'm not brave enuf, so i guess the only way i can go is to walk away n not run on the spot anymore. wo mei xing xin neng bang ni ba shi qu de gan jue zhao hui lai.

~~*

my dad n bro left for a 3-wk vacation in switzerland late last nite. as i stood at the airport, watching my sis hug my bro with tears in her eyes, i suddenly wondered who i'd miss more. altho my dad usually leaves home early in the morning n returns q late at nite so i seldom get to spend much time with him, i love my dad alot. i cant imagine life without my dad's nagging, boisterous laughter, n the silly things he says to make us all wan to roll on the floor laughing. my bro irritates me sumtimes, but recently i think we'v grown closer n i'v learnt to appreciate my bro by acting stupid n playing arnd with him, teasing him for still being shorter than me while i still have the chance (i hate to admit it, but i think i'll b the shortest among my siblings :( so sad), calling him "sucker" n "loozer" cos he calls me dat too.

anw i cant believe i had to tell my mum to hug my dad b4 he left. i noe my bro's her bao bei er zi, but my dad's her husband! growing up, i'v always wondered y 2 married ppl stay together as the yrs pass. is it for love, or is it for the kids, or even mayb for some other superficial reason? or mayb it's not really love, but the feeling is sth more towards dependence on each other? lyk the wife depends on her husband to bring most of the money home, while the husband depends on his wife to wake him up every morning to a hot cup of coffee on the table? it's just as if one is a money-making machine, n the other is an alarm clock cum coffee-maker. but i wldnt noe the answer til i'm married with kids for 20-odd yrs :)

there were times when i wasnt sure how i felt towards my family, esp when things werent going well in my family. but now when i'm almost 20, i noe v clearly dat i really love my family alot n when everything goes wrong, they r the pple who will stand by me amongst my wonderful frens. my mum sent me a msg earlier in the yr saying she wanted me to noe dat "you will always have mummy to journey with you". dat's the nicest thing my mum can ever say to me. i'll keep dat msg for the rest of my life.

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

-Kate Winslet
What If

11.jan.86
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